Meanwhile, in the Southern Levant, the rest of the crew had concerned themselves with a different problem altogether. They were on Mount Sinai, and the Israelites were asking for further instruction on their very long journey to the Promised Land.
The philosophers did not have Andy and Gary. But they had the very next best thing: themselves.
And so they sat at the top of the mountain, with two stone tablets before them. The tablets were long and bare. They mused.
The prophet wrote, I am the Lord thy God.
Oh, we’re doing monotheism? the exile asked.
Well, if that’s the case, you should add: Thou shalt have no other gods before me, the know-it-all added.
Is it so that the gods do not fight one another?
No, they’ll use the same brand name, even if management changes, the know-it-all explained, for he understood bureaucracy well.
The despondent said, You should add: Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven images. We don’t want the people getting confused about how God looks. It would be weird if God was skinny, but everyone drew him fat.
Then, the thinker said: You should add: Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain. People should just stop asking God questions. They should just know what he wants.
The prophet thought these were all great suggestions.
The exile said, How about this: Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy. They agreed everyone deserved a break.
But wait, the know-it-all said, write: Observe the holy day, to keep it holy. Because people might remember it, but not actually do it. It seemed like a nitpick, but the prophet wrote it down.
And write, Honor thy father and thy mother. Because everyone loves their parents.
Now they were getting to the good stuff.
The gadfly said, Write down, Thou shalt not kill. I know this is a revolutionary idea, but stick with me.
If you are going to write that, the know-it-all said, add in parentheses, when it’s a bad idea to. Because sometimes you have to kill. Not every life is worth living.
How about this, the despondent suggested, Thou shalt not commit adultery. But what would women do when their husbands don’t make them pregnant? But, the despondent reasoned, seeing as we just abolished murder, what are you supposed to do when a man makes you a cuckold? Fair enough point, the prophet said, and wrote it down.
Hear me out: Thou shalt not steal, the exile suggested. Sometimes I’ll go off into the bushes and someone will take my sandwich. You idiot! the know-it-all yelled, how else do lords reappropriate land? We can just lawyer that, the prophet reasoned. We won’t call it “stealing”, we’ll call it “redistribution”.
Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor, the thinker suggested. People should not lie. What about gossip? the know-it-all asked. Gossip will be the exception, for we all need a good rag, the prophet responded.
While he was on a roll, the thinker suggested:
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s house.
Thou shalt not desire thy neighbor’s house.
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife,
or his slaves, or his animals, or anything of thy neighbor.
The philosophers paused. That’s it? Yes! the thinker beamed. And so they wrote it down, for though the commandments said you couldn’t covet, you could still have your neighbor’s things, and they really wanted a lot of things.
The prophet blew on the stone tablets, so the ink would dry. These look pretty good, he said. The philosophers smiled and shook hands. They followed the prophet down the mount only to see, to their consternation, the prophet turn ghostly white. He dropped the tablets, shattering them.
Tape! Tape! the exile yelled.
No, moron – glue! Glue! the know-it-all bellowed.
The philosophers beheld the sight that shook the prophet so: the Israelites were worshipping a golden calf.
It’s not so unusual to worship cows, the despondent said.
Yes, but I, the cow said, emerging from the shadows of the idol, am the most exceptional of cows. This was a cow from Thrinacia, come to put the Israelites under his thrall.
In a rage the prophet pulled the cow by his collar. You! How dare you! he roared.
Gods are a dime a dozen! You can have this congregation if you really want it! the cow squealed.
My earrings! My bangles! My wristwatch! the prophet exploded, praying, in his heart of hearts, that his golden possessions would somehow fall out of the idol.
And so, that night, the prophet showed the congregation which parts of a cow were kosher and which parts were not.
When Andy and Gary returned, he leapt back onto the boat and cried, I shall see you all after thirty more years, resuming his journey to Ithaca.
© 2025 Jay Lee