Having been startled by the crisis of Paul and Paula, Gary revenged himself on the prophet by requiring his and his son’s foreskins. As the prophet’s recollection of ancient texts was fuzzy, he asked what a foreskin was, scratching the itchy membrane over the head of his penis. Gary explained. That seems excessive, the prophet said. Not at all, Gary replied. Now go to Pharaoh and tell him all I said.
The prophet, however, did not recall the former directive, and merrily made his way to Pharaoh with his intact, positively pink foreskin. Gary summoned assassins to kill the prophet for not giving up his foreskin. They hung around bars and alleyways, loudly proclaiming, What I would do to an uncircumcised man ... while scowling and tracing their knives in the air. The prophet, however, found them curious and concluded all men had their peeves, and scratched his foreskin often, while he made along to Pharaoh’s way.
The prophet’s wife, who was more sensitive to her environment, hurried her husband indoors. After some shouting, some crying, some bandaging and some ice, the prophet continued his journey to Pharaoh, slowly, his legs drawn up in a painful U.
The prophet was admitted into Pharaoh’s audience. He boldly declared what God, really Gary, told him, then folded his arms in conclusion.
Pharaoh asked, Who is God?
The prophet blinked. God is a burning bush, he said, after long deliberation.
Well, my God is part-man, part-falcon. They were at an impasse.
The prophet departed from the pharaoh’s audience and despaired of having accomplished nothing. Gary appeared to him as another burning bush – he felt the prophet was most receptive to burning bushes over, say, crows or golden showers – and explained he hardened Pharaoh’s heart. Basically, he told Pharaoh he was full of it.
Why? the prophet could only muster to ask.
To prove all the more my powers, Gary replied. Now, let me show you.
And so, God, really Gary, but really Andy, released a lot of locusts, flies and frogs upon Egypt. Enough with the frogs! the Egyptians cried, as they prepared melted butter for their boiled frogs.
Well, how about a river of blood? Gary cried. Andy, Homer, the grouch and the rest of the crew broke their backs getting a river’s worth of blood.
But we wanted wine! the Egyptians cried.
Now it’s time for – boils! And now – darkness! And hail and lightning!
Andy was getting exhausted and pleaded for Gary, really God, to wrap this up.
The last plague was to kill all firstborn sons.
Now this was easy. Fortunately for Andy, the Torah never says only the firstborn sons were killed. He applied the Pigeonhole Principle: keep killing children until you got to the firstborn. Oh, my secondborn son; but at least my firstborn is still alive, thank Falcon; families would cry, and Andy would sigh.
Andy instructed Homer, the grouch, the exile, the know-it-all, the despondent and the thinker on how to kill firstborns. He held a baby in one hand and a knife in the other. Remember, their bones are very soft, so you can do it in one decisive thrust into the heart, he said, pantomiming. The baby giggled.
Can you suck the brains out like soup? the know-it-all cried. No, it was not kosher.
Now there were no more firstborns. Pharaoh was exhausted by the recent news cycle. He let the Israelites go. The Israelites cheered, streaming from their homes toward the Red Sea with their knapsacks tumbling on their backs.
Pharaoh walked through his palace, now empty of firstborns and Jews. He found a staff. This was the prophet’s staff, which Andy refused to exchange for the snake.
To their horror, the Israelites saw behind them, in the distance, immense dust clouds rolling in their direction, and felt the thundering of Pharaoh’s chariots and horses. Strong, mighty men raced towards them, crying Staff! Staff! The Israelites heard, Stab! Stab! and raced to the Red Sea.
Now they were between a vast, merciless body of water and an army of rugged warriors who, unbeknownst to them, wanted to return one staff.
Gary said, I shall now part the sea.
He asked five Israelites to board the grouch’s ship, upon which they were delivered unto the other side. They then did for five more, and then five more, ad infinitum. The Egyptians simply watched, waiting for the least awkward time to return the staff.
The prophet said, I thought you would split the sea in half?
Gary replied, No, I said we would part with the sea, slowly.
But the word “part” in Hebrew does not have the same meaning as in English.
Gary replied, Shut up! I am God! It is a miracle that I can make jokes in Hebrew with English puns! It’s true; it was a miracle. It’s weird that this wasn’t mentioned in the Old Testament.
Andy and Gary set the aliens’ disk-shaped vehicle as a pillar of flame during the day, a pillar of light at night. All before the Israelites were sand and the wind that kicked up the sand. The prophet scratched his head. How long we do we wander?
Forty years, Gary answered.
Jesus Christ! Can I join you on your journey instead?
And so the Israelites followed the aliens’ craft to Canaan, and the prophet joined the grouch’s crew to Ithaca.
© 2025 Jay Lee